A Death So Violent

You who could not stand to hurt the smallest of creatures, how could you end your life so violently?  You who knew that I could not stand to see an injured animal, how could you leave me to find my heart and soul in a pool of blood?  Oh my God!  Please just don’t let this be real, or please let me escape the images and the pain.

Yet I know in my heart that in your darkest hour that morning, you did not wish to hurt me.  I just have to believe this.  Today I don’t see any way to keep living, but I must because of our son.  How I would love to sleep forever and let the pain go.

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6 thoughts on “A Death So Violent

  1. Thank you for reading my blog. I am so sorry for your loss, so very sorry that we are on this same path of grief. In terms of hope… some days it’s impossible to even think about, isn’t it? I think some days just drawing breath, just getting out of bed, just putting one foot in front of the other is like hope. Because every day you do those things, you are staying. You are being here for yourself, for your son, for the others who love you. That is the ultimate hope, that someday you will build a new life from the ashes of the old one. It hurts like hell and I wish I had something easy to say, something that would take your pain and turn it to peace. Just know that my thoughts and my prayers and my wishes are with you, and that I do believe it’s possible for those of us who have lost someone to suicide to know happiness again. Not easy. Possible. And the belief in that possibility? That is hope.

  2. Everyone always says about my boyfriend that “at least he hung himself… so there wasn’t any blood.” Like that’s supposed to make his suicide any better? Or make him more ‘considerate’?

    I’m sorry that you had to witness something so gruesome. I am happy to know that I’m not the only one who hurts this way.

    • I am so sorry for your tragic loss. Your life is worth living. I would like to recommend a site to you called The Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors. You can go there and read of others experiences and share your feelings. There are many who have lost their boyfriends. It has helped me stay alive. I wish you peace and love.

  3. Your pain breaks my heart. I am bipolar and entertain suicidal thoughts at times. I know my actions would cause the few people left in my life great pain and grief. As much as I hurt mentally and physically, I try to remember them and the promise I’ve made not to hurt myself when things are getting to be too much. It’s not easy.

    My sorry for what you’re going through.

    • I beg you to always choose life. I know it’s hard. I, too have entertained thoughts of suicide. Sometimes the pain is just too much. I am sorry that you suffer from bipolar. It is a dreadful disease. I hope your days become gentler and will be filled with love.

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