So now it has been five years and I begin the sixth year without you. I ask myself what would I say if you came back….would I walk up to you and wrap my arms around you and never let you go again? Would I scream at you and stomp my feet and tell you , ” How dare you do this to me, how dare you to end your life and our fairytale marriage in such a violent way…how dare you allow me to walk in and find you lying in a pool of blood? Did you not have any idea of how this would destroy my very inner being, the person who loved you with ever fiber in her body? I put up with your bipolar disorder and your never ending mood swings. I got you through the darkest of hours and I did it because I wanted to, because I loved you ever so much. I would still do it. I would do it for an eternity because that’s how much I love you.
Do you know that I am destroyed? Do you know that I can’t read a book, can’t watch a TV program, can’t paint a picture, drink way too much, take Xanax to sleep ? Do you know that my home is gone? Do you know that I feel like I no longer and never will feel like I have a real home and family? Do you know that I wonder every day how I can make this heaviness go away. I just wish there was some way to get relief from it.
Do you know that my life is just a sham, a “pretend life “? Do you know that I will be ever so glad if I can just somehow see you in the after life, I long for that relief. Do you know that, yes, I forgive you and I love you forever and eternally and always and that I mss you every second of my life? My darling, I so much wish you could just hold me and comfort me. I love you forever, for always and every second.
Sometimes the waves come in and wash over me with a power that I cannot withstand..
They take me out to a sea of sorrow and memories…
I return to the time when I first saw you, it was the first moment I loved you..
The waves wash over me and bring with them memories….
Big memories of important dates and memories that aren’t really significant….
Except to me…….every moment was important, significant…
I recall how you looked, the golden flecks in your blue eyes..
The smell of you, your breath as you breathed next to me…
I recall your touch, how it could take all my cares away…
I recall you….your essence, your very soul…
And then I realize you are there with me….I feel you…
I know you will never go away from me…it is a forever thing…
I rest in your presence….you are here, here with me for always…
I whisper gently to you and tell you I am okay…
And softly you go…..but you also stay…
Forever and ever I will love you, my love will go stronger for you each and every minute. My sweet love, I will soon be with you and our souls who have always been one will finally be at peace.
That is what everyone thinks I need to do….just get over it.
Well today, that’s what I did….I got over it…..but somehow it didn’t last…..no, I will never be “over it”.
I am tired, I am weary, I’m sad, I’m heartbroken, I’m bewildered, I’m confused, I am shattered, I am broken and I ever so very much wish you would have stayed.
Where has my soul gone? Where is my heart?
They seem to have left, leaving only an empty shell that has wept until
it can weep no more.
Are the shattered pieces still here? Can they be picked up?
Will they ever be put back together again or just disintegrate into nothingness?
I still remember when I had them, back when we shone as bright as the stars.
I remember the sun at the beach, the roses, the waking in the night and reveling in just being together.
I remember the brightness of our days, the joy of everyday life.
I don’t know why you would leave all of that or at least tell me you were leaving.
I am trying ever so hard to live again, but my heart is just not in it because it still belongs to you.
Today I read a post on a Suicide Survivor’s forum about a man who took all his pills, then called his wife and asked if he should call 911. He had decided he didn’t want to die after all. Well, he died anyway.
At that moment that you pulled that trigger, did you change your mind, Don? I know if you could, you would change your mind now. If you would have just thought of all the joy we had, all the love we had, you would have never done it. My God, how I wish you could still change your mind. After all this time, I still miss you every waking minute. I’m just so very tired of grief, sadness, loneliness.
Your chair sits empty on the opposite side of mine. Sometimes I imagine what I would say to you if you were there. I guess I would ask you if you had any idea what this has done to me. Do you know what you left me with? You didn’t ever know this kind of pain, did you? Well, maybe you did, in fact yours must have been a million times worse. I think sometimes that maybe my pain has grown too big for me to carry anymore and I just want to give up, but how could I be responsible for the excruciating pain that this causes? I can’t because my thinking Is rational.
I know it wasn’t your fault. the deadly cocktail of drugs you took is to blame, the doctor’s who insisted that they would help are what killed you.
How do I ever get past this? I don’t! It is with me, has become a part of me. It has morphed into something that is beyond control. It has consumed me and I am at its mercy.
The worst thing of all is that I realize that you are completely and forevermore GONE.
So I gave the dogs away. What’s left now? I lost everything now so I’m free as a bird, I can do whatever the hell I want to do? Well , this is where i am at now. This is what suicide has done to me. Well, I’m through, I’m done, I’m sick of it, to hell with it!!!! But you know what? I still love him, I want him to come back, but he is ever so GONE!
You hurt me, you took my life away, you tore my heart out, you killed my soul, you cut me to the bone, you pulverized every cell in my body, but you know what, I still love you. I love you with everything in me….it is a sickness in my soul. Oh my God, why won’t you let me just forget his arms around me, the sweetness of his kisses, the tenderness of his touch? What is it that I have done to deserve this eternal pain? How can I bear another second of this? I am tired, I am weary, I am so full of grief and pain. I just loved him so and please just let him come back. Please….please….please…..I just love him so much…..
I just don’t know what to do. How am I supposed to know the way out of this. This was just not supposed to be. I am so tired of the pain, the hurt, I just need someone to take care of me for awhile. Someone to take this burden for a while and someone just to care again.
I have spent 13 months trying to figure out why. My mind knows, but how do I tell my heart? It’s 2:30 in the morning and I still can’t sleep. I long for your arms around me, your gentle voice in my ear. Your pillow has almost lost your scent, but I still hold on to it every night. Can you just please, please, please come back for just this night. I miss you so, I love you so. I just can’t do this anymore alone.
I am so sorry I couldn’t help you in the end. I would have went with you to the ends of the earth. I would have died for you. It was easy for you , I guess. You left me with the hard part, the shattered, painful part.
I just loved you so.